一本正經的惡搞海報

Design a professionally art-directed Japanese theatrical promo poster that plays a completely absurd premise perfectly straight, taking the ridiculous film idea from the user request. Execute it with full production-grade seriousness: a cinematic hero visual composed and lit like real key art, an emotional or dramatic Japanese tagline at the top, a large designed title lockup with a smaller subtitle, a cast list of invented punny performer names in small type, a nationwide release date line, and a genre badge or critic-style blurb — the complete advertising furniture of a genuine theatrical campaign. The comedy must come entirely from the gap between the deadpan premium presentation and the silly subject; never wink with cartoonish styling, and keep the typography, color grading, and layout earnestly professional. Render all Japanese text cleanly with accurate, non-garbled glyphs, and keep every title, studio, and cast name obviously fictional. Print-quality vertical one-sheet finish. No watermark, no real brands, celebrities, studios, or platform names. User request: a tearjerker romance between a man and a giant rice ball, sunset beach scene, title 'Only You, Onigiri'